For those who haven't used a Haynes Manual, these are the books aimed at those who want to fix their own vehicles and which keep qualified mechanics in paid employment putting things right afterwards. They are chock full of photos, diagrams and step-by-step instructions which are obvious if you are a fully qualified motor mechanic, but which are frighteningly sparse on detail for the average Joe in the street who wants to change a set of spark plugs on a 1981 VW Polo.
Here's some of the more common phrases found throughout the manuals and their translations into real world english.

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place... clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Remove small retaining clip.
Translation: Take off 15 years of stubborn crud, it's there somewhere.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Locate ...
Translation: This photo of a hex nut is the only clue we're giving you.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring and/or ball bearing
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Continue reading...

Taken from Bonnie's blog:

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out."?

Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracked corn and no one cared, why is there a song about him?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does a OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call a male ballerina?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Is Disney World the only people-trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but it's a hemorrhoid when it's in your _____?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest-rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3 in Housewares' ... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay-away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the Camping Department - and tell other shoppers you're sleeping over; invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the Hunting Department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

12. In the Auto Department, practice your "Madonna look" using different sized funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack... and when people browse through, say: "PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NOOO! It's those voices again!!!"

And last but not least:

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!!"

Taken from this thread.

"Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them."

If you've never heard of the website mentioned in this entry's title, you don't know what you're missing.

There's a guy called Mil, who has a girlfriend called Margret; and they argue. The arguments are usually quite stupid but hilarious, so Mil put them on his website: Things My Girlfriend And I Have Argued About.

After the success of that site, he decided to get into writing books, and released his first in May 2003. The book is called Things My Girlfriend And I Have Argued About, named after his website but the story is fiction... and very very funny. Add it to your reading list immediately.

Then he wrote another book, called A Certain Chemistry. Also very funny... and definitely worth reading if you liked the first one.

According to Mil's latest mailing list entry he's written his 3rd, due for release in Autumn 2005. I can't wait! :)

"What kind of world do we live in when a dying teenager can no longer get his cock sucked by a celebrity?"

Cameron Diaz denied a teenager a blow job before he died.

A BBC TV journalist is interviewing a elderly former Polish fighter pilot.

Interviewer: So Mr Stanczewski, I understand that in 1943 you shot down five German aircraft in a single engagement. Could you tell us what happened?

Polish Fighter Pilot: Well we were flying at 20,000 feet when we spotted five Fokkers flying along below us. So we dived down and I aimed at one of the Fokkers and fired a burst from my machine guns right into him and he exploded. Then I saw that one of the Fokkers was on my tail, so I pulled round in a loop and got behind him, and fired and he went down on fire. I looked around and saw two Fokkers attacking my squadron leader, so slipped in behind them, and fired, and that was another Fokker going down in flames. The other Fokker tried to get away from me, but I got right up behind him, and blasted him with my machine guns and turned over and exploded. There was only one of the Fokkers left now, and he was trying to get away, but I flew up behind him, shot - bang, bang, bang - and he blew up too!

Interviewer: I should point out for the benefit of the viewers at home, that the Fokker was a type of German aircraft used in the war.

Polish Fighter Pilot: No, no, no - these fokkers were Messerschmitts!