... or something to that effect.

unzip; strip;touch; grep; grep; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; fsck; fsck; fsck; umount; sleep (Core dumped) general protection fault... core dumped

Time for something amusing, I nicked this from a forum somewhere on the web:

1) I'm single.
2) It's more fun than eating glass.
3) I'll keep you company.
4) You have nothing better to do.
5) You get back rubs.
6) I have never broken into a bear's home and eaten all his porridge.
7) I have no communicable diseases.
8) You might actually enjoy it.
9) I only torture guys when they ask me to.
10) I can, at the touch of a few buttons, have a pizza delivered in less than 30 minutes.
11) Cats seem to like me.
12) I would never smoke or drink while pregnant.
13) I'm really a nice person once you get to know me.
14) Would you want to be known throughout history as "the one who let me get away"?
15) I am not an alien from another dimension bent on world domination.
16) I seldom pick a fight with inanimate objects.
17) I believe that every person has the potential to become great.
18) I won't bore you by talking about my stamp collection.
19) Unlike Vincent van Gogh, I would never cut off my ear for anybody.
20) I always remember to use pixie dust when attempting to jump out of a window and fly.
21) I feel that a relationship can exist without sex if it needs to.
22) I speak 6 languages, English, text, typo, BASIC, and HTML.
23) You'll forever wonder what you're missing if you don't date me.
24) I take a bath at least once a day.
25) I'm housebroken.
26) Marilyn Monroe is dead and J. Lo is married; who's left?
27) I don't turn into a werewolf during a full moon.
28) I have never committed a violent crime.
29) My teddy bear wants to meet you.
30) To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. (Ecc. 3:1 KJV) Therefore, you will eventually go out with me. *smile*
31) You haven't had a sufficient dose of strangeness in your life.
32) I believe the rabbit should be given some Trix.
33) I do my own laundry.
34) The voices in my head told me you would like me.
35) I do not drink and drive.
36) It will be a life-enriching experience.
37) There is a refreshing absence of monsters under my bed lately.
38) You've probably heard every line in the book... So, what's one more?
39) There's no compelling reason why you shouldn't.
40) I'm smarter than the average bear.
41) Just do it!
42) I am anxious to find someone to share my hopes, dreams, and wishes with.
43) I'm getting fewer and fewer "ice-cream headaches".
44) It's more fun than doing your income taxes.
45) I understand the difference between their, there, and they're.
46) I am clean.
47) Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
48) I'll supply the chocolate chip cookies.
49) I have no plans to give the Pope a wedgie.
50) I am faster than an unfired bullet.
51) I can leap tall housecats in a single bound.
52) You know in your heart that it's the right thing to do.
53) I have never caused a traffic accident because I was fixing my makeup.
54) We are of opposite genders in the same species.
55) I can have it my way at Burger King.
56) I use my seat belt.
57) I'm no worse than most other girls, and maybe better than some.
58) It would make me smile.
59) It might make you smile too.

Continue reading...

<verin> and on the fourth day, there was pr0n, and God said, "let this be a blessing onto you, since Eve is out shopping"

<@Chin^> My sister caught me jacking off the other week and calls me a pervert
<@Chin^> just the other day i walked into my room and caught my sister masturbating
<@Chin^> So she calls me a pervert again?!?
<@Chin^> there is no justice in the world...

<Bazz> Every day you give me food, and yet I dont eat. I always stand on four legs. What am I?
<Costilled> Calista Flockhart

<AdmiralPJ> I can predict things before they happen
<AdmiralPJ> yes i know
<ari> That's precognition, not telepathy
<ari> Ah, damnit...
<ari> Good one

<Teratogen> 1) cubic zirconium ring, 2) marriage will take place at the Justice of the Peace (janitor can be witness)
<Teratogen> 3) reception at McDonald's, 4) honeymoon at my apartment
<Teratogen> if she doesn't like that, screw her.

Finque: i always tell a girl when i cum
Finque: one time i didn't
Finque: let's just say she bites
Finque: she had specifically told me she wasn't going to take it in her mouth
Finque: i was like "yeah right bitch"
Finque: so i cum, she chokes, swallows, smile at me
Finque: and bites
tom: wtf
Finque: so i said sorry and that i'd make it up through cunnilingus
Finque: i got her good and horney
Finque: and bit her clit like it was a hot dog

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint or two of the local brew.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood ... big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really has to go, after all those pints. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

Continue reading...

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the Court'. They are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when
he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Continue reading...

Via email. :)

* I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

* When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

* Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

* I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

* I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

* I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

* A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

* I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

* My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

* Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

* I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

* I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

* You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

* Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

* I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

* Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

DORMITORY:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION:
A ROPE ENDS IT

GEORGE BUSH:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

A bit old I know :)

Michael Burke on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing:
"Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning:
"She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead:
"Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away...
"My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:
"They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator -
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio -
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 -
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator -
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator -
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

I just read a fantastic article over on The Inquirer about how the RIAA is losing its battles against Peer-2-Peer file sharing, and how it started its own downfall with Napster.

Read it here.